well, from the title itself it sounds scary,
i want to die quietly smiling while everyone's going to remember me as a person who gives other people those happy memories.
lets start. so, i was facing so many difficulties in my life this year. from facing a national exam, sitting for college entrance exam for two times, until crying my eyes out when i found out i will never get into that prestigious college. i learnt a lot this year. i've met some people who are just trying to take advantages from me. i've met some people who are going to stay by my side whatever happens. the hardest? that i have to heal myself from having envious feelings towards my friends. although i always say, 'gapapa, semangat ya!' you know its all lies. you won't get hyped up by that words. as time goes, i found how to slowly accept myself and those shitty feelings. you have to share your happiness. make happiness as much as you can whether its for yourself or for other people (but you will feel so lonely if you just spend your happiness (re: money for example) for yourself (well for me its like that lmao)). i began to help my friends, always be there if they need me, defend them if someone mocks them, etc.
i became tired...
some people seems like making fun of me (by their posts in social media) when i'm just simply doing my best in my life; making other people happy. someone posted about "bantu itu sesuai kapasitas kalian, blablabla, banyak orang baik terlalu bodoh bcs they give all things they have, and how God wont repay you if youre too nice." what.......?
i meant like what? God is too good, He won't be that stupid to not repay your kindness. After I saw that post, i promised to myself to become kinder and always give other people happiness, even though it's small. i want to live my life like I want, and i want to die quietly after i'm done giving other people smile because i give those happiness that they want. they will remember me again as a person who is kind. and i believe God will repay me with His power, whatever it is.
"i realized something today. everyone won't be always looking for you. everyone won't be always happy beside you. everyone won't be always searching for you. everyone is going to be an individualistic ass because its their natural characteristics as a human. when u are trying to pretend that you /ARE/ that care, you are probably get dumped. despite of this shitty life.... just.... do ur best (as giving happiness) so people wont forget u even if youre buried down in ur grief. do ur best so people will remember you, bcs dead people means losing the dead body, and also the presence. but people wont forget the memories."