everyone has their own happiness.
if you ask me, "what's your happiness, nandha?"
i would say, my friend. and my family. and my favorite boys, park jinyoung and lee gikwang.
well, for my friend,
i would say like meeting them is such a blessing. i never thought i would meet them in such a bad circumstance ( i mean like i hated my school so much at that time ). they come from a different backgrounds, but i still love them. like, there are twelve of us but i feel like we blend so well. in fact, there's still a time when someone #1 is more fond of someone #2 but we are basically mix well. i'm happy meeting them bcs.....they accept me as what i am today. i'm super sensitive, my insecurity is huge, quite selfish, goddamn fussy, (plus ugly lmao jk). but they always look don't care about it and 'well.....you are my friend so why make it like a big deal?' T___T people always said that high school besties are your long lasting friends, at first i doubted it bcs lol it's all bullshit but.........(ok we'll see) but for now it's true. you would never found your besties in high school in your next phase of life.
i maybe want to thank u guys personally but i'm too shy so here's my message for u.
you are surely a fighter. you don't see things as people see it, and you do believe what do you want to believe and it makes me like a loser bcs i couldn't stay sit for a minute for my own beliefs. you are funny, your jokes surprisingly not lame and i like it and i wonder how people are so funny meanwhile i'm just a kasjhdfjsafhsajf so lame. your pride is your number one problems.............right? after all, you are still nice, and nobody can replace this bataknese girl i've right here.
can i say you are so.......playboy-like? lol kidding! you are very a thoughtful boy, for your age, you are mature enough to face this world. still a bit innocent but already understand about this cruel life. stop your over thinking, it might kill you. do your college life happily and believe me, someone will come to your life when you never expect it.
pls be mature as soon as possible. you're a boy, stop playing around. you're 18 already, come on. but i will always miss the childish side of you. you are wise sometimes and i feel like leaning on your shoulder and share my stories are the best solution i've ever found, but your responds are so sucks. i hate u. so much. don't come near me if you haven't had a guts to change. lmao joking!!!!!
no one ever says that you are nothing. you are something, but you haven't figured it out. pls be more open to us, we're not monsters. even the strongest person in this world still couldn't take all his/her problems, so....we are here.. you can talk to us...at least to me. but i'm so grateful you came to my life three years ago. you are like my universe, and i feel like i'm just like a one little star (bcs i feel so useless) T_T ask for help to us, we're your friends, ndu. okay?
these lucky girl. you seem having a tons of luck in your life. you are cheerful outside, but u hide ur disappointment deep in ur heart. when we were in elementary school we were like strangers but we ended up in the same circle of friends in high school. universe totally worked hard for getting us back together and i actually wonder what if we are already besties since kid? would be very awkward lmao
ur lame jokes just stop it girl lol. but after listening your childhood stories, i respect you a lot. it must be tough to have that phase in your life. do well in college, you always sleep in class but you beat me in term of getting into a prestigious college lmao PLS I WANT TO HAVE BOYFRIEND TOOOO T_T
after swallowing so much disappointment, how is it? don't be too sad lin. everything happens for a reason and God will show u the way. pls bear it for a little more, you are getting there. you have us, dont think about other people say about you, people who have had bad memories with u are in the past, so let them. you are you now, and you are the new Elin we know about. okay?
your love to your first mom is such a....wow.....i don't want to imagine what if your mom is my mom but your life was quite awful. but you face it so well until she went back to heaven, until u meet katya. she must be the brightest sunshine right? i'm happy you meet someone you feel like she's the one for right now. loving someone is hard and tiring, but u were your mom's side when she died, so i believe u will treat your girl like you take care of your mom, right?
you always have a big passion, and i'm glad you're running for it right now. living far from ur family and friend must be so depressing, but i believe u will be always ready to face it. youre a crybaby, and i just found out today. it's good tho, u still have something to feel about. don't be too excited when starting a new life in there, everything is going to be fine if you think straight and calm of course, okay? i will hit u up if i go to there someday.
you are my partner in crime lol but i think our relationship aren't like those old times? ever since your almost ex was in your life, i feel like i'm intruding your life bcs i dont know anything about love. my life is dull, my love life is so barren, all i do is just fangirling about korean boys. okay u always there for me, but i feel like we lost those times when we could just talk about nonsense things until night. but i believe we always find our way to go back to old us. i feel so guilty for saying this in blog but really, i'm sorry if i'm being so ass for u. i'm still the old nandha, and i'll be the same nandha.
pls. dont. be. too smart. your future girl would be sad AHHAHAHAH no pls continue being our walking dictionary you are our realistic version of google HAHAHAHA. i feel like i know nothing about you :( open up more rro, we're friends after all. (but your problems are just games and those weird conspiracy i dont really understand standing beside u makes me short and stupid.) fuck. you. dude.
i'm so sleepy this is almost 3 in the morning good bye lmao
and they were right.
when i was still crying on my mom's lap that time, everyone told me that my life is beautiful. "jangan sedih lagi ya!" and my tears stopped. and i had my laugh again. i believed them, and i grew up with such a shitty idea in life.
yeah, my life is beautiful but it's not when you're an adult.
i'm turning 19 this year, and i have so much thoughts running in my head. "is my choices right?" "am I doing the right thing?" etc.
its a phase of growing up, when you realize that you're alone in this wide world. everyone is going to turn their backs on you, except some people who still loves you. you cant guarantee your college friends will always like you, you cant guarantee you will get 4.00 for your GPA if you always stay up until night working on your assignments. you will be alone, even though you have your friends beside you, but you can't avoid those "lonely" feelings when you're an adult.
growing up is such a scary thing, you can't avoid it. you have to endure it until you become elders and die. we will end up die, by the way.
"i want to be an adult!," and I deeply regretted what i've said 3-5 years ago. fuck man, i dont want to grow up. this world scares me, the idea of "you-must-have a job after you have your degree" makes me scared.....
i will still growing up, but pls........can someone make it more slowly bcs im tired.......growing up is still a scary thing.....at least for me..... 😓 😓 😓 😓 😓 😓 😓
i will write it short bcs i have another thing to do. today, i talked to my friend about my problems and i felt so delighted omg i was so happy i could finally escape from this shitty reality for a while!!!!!!!!!!!!!! T_T
on the other side, i started to listen to dream girl.......and.........i love it AKJHDJSHDJKSAHFDSA i love all junhyung's songs ily ily ily i might be crazy everytime i listen to his songs T___T
well, bye!!!!!!!!!!! gonna continue doing my works lol
well, from the title itself it sounds scary,
i want to die quietly smiling while everyone's going to remember me as a person who gives other people those happy memories.
lets start. so, i was facing so many difficulties in my life this year. from facing a national exam, sitting for college entrance exam for two times, until crying my eyes out when i found out i will never get into that prestigious college. i learnt a lot this year. i've met some people who are just trying to take advantages from me. i've met some people who are going to stay by my side whatever happens. the hardest? that i have to heal myself from having envious feelings towards my friends. although i always say, 'gapapa, semangat ya!' you know its all lies. you won't get hyped up by that words. as time goes, i found how to slowly accept myself and those shitty feelings. you have to share your happiness. make happiness as much as you can whether its for yourself or for other people (but you will feel so lonely if you just spend your happiness (re: money for example) for yourself (well for me its like that lmao)). i began to help my friends, always be there if they need me, defend them if someone mocks them, etc.
i became tired...
some people seems like making fun of me (by their posts in social media) when i'm just simply doing my best in my life; making other people happy. someone posted about "bantu itu sesuai kapasitas kalian, blablabla, banyak orang baik terlalu bodoh bcs they give all things they have, and how God wont repay you if youre too nice." what.......?
i meant like what? God is too good, He won't be that stupid to not repay your kindness. After I saw that post, i promised to myself to become kinder and always give other people happiness, even though it's small. i want to live my life like I want, and i want to die quietly after i'm done giving other people smile because i give those happiness that they want. they will remember me again as a person who is kind. and i believe God will repay me with His power, whatever it is.
"i realized something today. everyone won't be always looking for you. everyone won't be always happy beside you. everyone won't be always searching for you. everyone is going to be an individualistic ass because its their natural characteristics as a human. when u are trying to pretend that you /ARE/ that care, you are probably get dumped. despite of this shitty life.... just.... do ur best (as giving happiness) so people wont forget u even if youre buried down in ur grief. do ur best so people will remember you, bcs dead people means losing the dead body, and also the presence. but people wont forget the memories."